Before I Go to Sleep – S. J. Watson | Full Story+ Audiobook

Christine wakes up in the morning, confused and frightened. The first thing she notices is that the bed she lies in does not feel familiar. The sheets, the walls, the curtains—none of them connect with the life she believes she should be living. When she turns, she sees a man beside her, middle-aged, kind-looking, but entirely unknown to her. Panic courses through her body, and she pulls away, unsure if she is in danger. The man, however, remains calm, speaking to her gently. He explains that his name is Ben, and that he is her husband. He tells her that she suffers from a condition—her memory resets every time she goes to sleep. She cannot retain new experiences, and so she wakes each morning forgetting years of her life.

Christine struggles to accept this. She insists that she must still be in her twenties, but when she rushes to the bathroom and stares into the mirror, she sees the face of an older woman. Her skin has aged, her hair is streaked with grey, and her eyes hold the weariness of decades. It feels impossible to her. In her mind, she is still young, yet the reflection staring back proves otherwise. She feels trapped in a nightmare. Each morning, Ben calmly repeats the same story. He explains her condition, reassures her, and reminds her that he loves her. She listens, but fear never leaves her, for no matter how many times he tells her, it is all new to her each day.

Her mornings are often filled with sobs of disbelief, but as the hours pass, she learns to accept Ben’s presence. He goes to work, leaving her at home to cope with the confusing fragments of her world. Her life feels like a blank page that she cannot write upon, for every time she tries, the ink fades overnight. Yet there is something in her that aches to know more, to find truth in the fog.

One day, while she is alone in the house, the telephone rings. A man’s voice, calm and direct, asks for Christine. He introduces himself as Dr. Nash. He explains that he has been working with her secretly, trying to help her regain her memory. Christine is startled and suspicious, for Ben has never mentioned this doctor. Dr. Nash tells her that she has been keeping a journal, and that it is hidden in her wardrobe. He urges her to find it, to read it every day, and to add to it, for this will be the only way she can stitch her life together.

Christine follows his instructions and discovers the notebook. The sight of her own handwriting across its pages moves her to tears, for it is proof that she has lived through these days before, even if she cannot recall them. But when she opens the first page, her heart stops. In large, dark letters, written by her own hand, are the words: “Don’t trust Ben.” The message chills her. She reads further and sees that she has recorded details of conversations, therapy sessions, and small fragments of memory she has retrieved. It feels like a lifeline thrown across a stormy sea. Every day, she reads the journal from the beginning, retracing her steps and trying to understand what has been happening to her.

As the days go on, Christine begins to recall scattered pieces of her past. She remembers being a writer, once passionate about her craft. She remembers her best friend, Claire, a woman who was a constant presence in her younger life but whom Ben never mentions. She recalls, with the greatest shock, that she had a son—Adam. These memories surface in fragments: her arms around a small boy, laughter in a park, the warmth of his presence. She writes these recollections down carefully, fearing that without the journal, they will vanish forever.

When she confronts Ben about Adam, his answers trouble her. He tells her gently that Adam died in an accident years ago. He says he has avoided telling her every day because it would break her heart again and again. Though his reasoning sounds plausible, the grief in her own memories feels too raw to dismiss. The boy in her mind does not feel gone. Christine grows increasingly suspicious, and every time she looks at the note on the first page of her journal, she feels the warning pulse inside her like a heartbeat.

Dr. Nash continues to meet with her, though each time she must be reminded of who he is and why they are working together. He explains the psychology of memory, how trauma can shatter the mind’s ability to form new impressions. Through his sessions, Christine begins to relive the moment that destroyed her life. She sees flashes of a hotel room. A man looms over her, anger burning in his eyes. She feels the violent blows, the panic, the blackness that follows. She remembers blood, terror, and then silence. These memories shake her so badly that she sometimes cannot breathe. But they also ignite something inside her—an understanding that her life was stolen from her in that instant.

The inconsistencies in Ben’s stories become unbearable. She asks him about Claire, and he tells her vaguely that they lost touch long ago. She asks him about Dr. Nash, but he denies any knowledge of him. She asks him again about Adam, and though he repeats the same story, she notices the unease in his eyes, the way he avoids her gaze. The sense of deception becomes overwhelming.

One night, Christine lies awake, and a deeper memory pushes its way through the haze. She recalls being with a man she thought was her husband. He spoke softly, called her “Chrissy,” but when she looks at him in her mind, something is wrong. His eyes are not the same as Ben’s. His voice carries a different tone. With horror, she realizes that the man she has been living with all this time is not her husband at all. He is someone else.

Her journal becomes the anchor of her truth. She rereads entries in which she pieced together her suspicions, entries she does not remember writing but that now speak to her with clarity. She recalls the name Mike, a man from her past. The memories of him are tied to both passion and violence. Slowly, the pieces align. The man in her bed, the man who tells her each morning that he is Ben, is in fact Mike—the man who once had an affair with her, the man who attacked her, the man who caused her injury and her amnesia.

Christine confronts him. Her voice trembles, but she asks him outright who he really is. At first, he denies it, insisting again that he is Ben, her loving husband. But as she presses, his calm mask begins to crack. Finally, he admits the truth. He is Mike. He had been with her years ago, and when she tried to leave him, he attacked her. After the assault left her broken and memoryless, he took advantage of her condition. He stole her from her real family, from her real husband, and kept her prisoner in the life he constructed. Each day, he remade the lie, feeding her false stories, isolating her, making sure she believed she had no one else in the world.

The revelation devastates Christine. The grief of realizing she has been robbed of years of her life is overwhelming. But with the truth comes a surge of strength. She refuses to allow him to control her any longer. The confrontation turns violent when Mike tries to silence her, but Christine fights back with every ounce of energy she can summon. Her desperation fuels her resistance, and she manages to escape his grasp.

The authorities are called, and Christine is finally freed from the prison of lies Mike had built around her. In the aftermath, she learns that her real husband, Ben, and her son, Adam, are alive. She had not lost them, as Mike had claimed. The joy of this discovery is mixed with sorrow, for so many years have been stolen from her, years she can never recover. But the possibility of rebuilding her life gives her hope.

Christine continues to struggle with her memory. Each morning, she still wakes up disoriented, still fighting the cycle of forgetting. But now she has her journal, her therapy, and the love of her real family to hold onto. She knows the truth about who she is and what was done to her. Though the road ahead is uncertain, for the first time in years she feels a spark of freedom. Her past is no longer hidden, her present is no longer a lie, and her future, though fragile, is hers to claim.

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